April 10, 2008

dictionary idea

Filed under: resources — churchianity @ 3:57 pm
Tags: , , ,

I have decided to write a dictionary of Churchianity; with the aim of shedding light on the strange language of the church. I invite your input! Leave your thoughts in the comments section for all to enjoy.

To start the ball rolling:

Your issue is serious, let me pray for you: The pastor has no idea how to respond.

Let me share that with the prayer chain: Now everyone in the church and surrounding community will know about your incontinence issue.

Any suggestions for new ministries?: If you come up with an idea, you will then be asked to staff it and fund it.

I think its time I went on a special prayer retreat: The pastor needs a break.

And a special section specific to church worship:

Nice sermon pastor: I didn’t listen.

Wow that was a creative message today pastor: I have absolutely no idea what you were talking about.

That sermon was good!: I fell asleep only once.

That sermon was amazing!: The preacher told a funny joke.

That sermon was very moving: We are leaving the church.

Preacher says, ‘Can you give me an Amen?’: Preacher wants to know if the congregation are awake.

I invite the Children to leave for Sunday School: At last we will get some peace.

I welcome your suggestions in the comments section.


1 Comment »

  1. Sorry to post as Anon, but it’s in case my pastor reads this! He will definitely guess who he is!

    Giving is a spiritual issue: God is telling you to give more

    Giving is not just a spiritual issue: We can’t afford the Pastor’s retreat and we want to go abroad this year.

    People connect in different ways: We like to cram in a bit of everything, and end up pleasing no one.

    Please stand if you feel God wants you to respond to the message today: If you don’t stand, everyone will look at you and judge you for not wanting to be an evangelist for Christ (in Outer Mongolia, but that’s not the point, you’re still a bad Christian for not obeying orders)

    I am totally approachable, but we deal with pastoral issues in our cell groups: I am fed up listening to the same old problems, so I’ve delegated that task.

    We have a great spirit-led leadership team: Who I hire and fire as I choose depending on which ones support all my decisions.

    You can’t please everyone – this is not a democracy: We’re not here to please you, I’m the one who HAS to work here!

    I don’t judge how you spend your wages, it really hurts when people comment on how I spend mine: I am ABOVE you, dammit! YOUR spending is a spiritual issue, but I am closer to God than you, and I KNOW he wanted me to get that new car/ laptop/ mobile phone/ loft extension/ foreign holiday.

    Comment by Anon — April 18, 2008 @ 12:25 pm | Reply

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